Gator Knows was an absurdist advice column that I wrote as the character, Gator. An anthropomorphic alligator man who distributes advice to the young employees of Working Mouse. Gator was based on a joke around my friend Naveen, his nickname of Nav and his D&D character, the Navigator.
Gator Knows - Light Jackets
Gator has been around the block a few times and in his time he’s picked up a few tips and tricks. He’ll share his wisdom in the new segment: Gator Knows. You’ll have the opportunity to ask Gator questions on love, life, light jackets and anything in between.
Gator Knows about light jackets. The bayou's a hot one, but that breeze, it's getting you to the bone this season. A jacket that can beat the chill in a pinch is absolute. Here's a Gator tip that'll snap you in the britches, take a hoodie and snip them sleeves. The hood shows you mean business but the sleeves show you are in the mood for bbq ribs. If this April feeling too hot, rock your finest low cut singlet under that bad boy to give you that riverboat vibe.
Light Jackets get Gators final rating of Jenkins Green.
Gator knows about love.
That special someone can be hard to find and despite the promise of free cookies, it all comes down to the chemistry. If he/she catches your eye and floats your boat then don’t mess about. As my spirit goddess Beyonce likes to say; put a ring on it. So how do you know you’re in love? Put that relationship boat in the water, if it floats then you’re good to go.
You could fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time so don’t forget Gator’s words of wisdom.
Gator Knows - What's a Star War?
There are two things Gator truly knows in his heart of hearts:
- Molasses based hard candies
- The chemically induced super hero pajama men flying amongst the star war
A Star War is a big economic deal, prices live and die by the war. Trade embargos are a big deal in the star war and the pajama men are there to help, even if the people they are helping are frog men.
Gators know is about a pajama boy Anne. He was a old boy but a good boy who made his own friends and wooed a queen. One could say he hit his peak at the age of 8 and couldn’t get out of the way of his own success. A rat tailed pajama man took Anne under his wing and they flew off and become the best friends, they even shared pajamas. With their flashlights, they shone their pajama ways onto the skies. But those Star Warses, you either get busy living or you get busy with the negotiations.
Some have asked old Gator what is love, love is making sure slugs don’t touch the queen you wooed when you were 8. You ever find you in a romantic trist with a queen/senator, you can thank Gator for that tid bit of Bayou Wisdom.
Pajama men are usually sterile, they don’t go see their doctor to get regular check ups. Gator knows that the body needs to be looked after, so go make an appointment with your doctor folks, tell ‘em Gator sent ya. Anne was not like other pajama men, he had the power to make twins in queens.
Not much happened in the Star War after that, the hyper inflation went down and prices appeared to be regulated. The Star Council put money into infrastructure and housing developments. The architect cut corners though and cut costs. Gator knows about construction work. Quality materials and no weak points. I once had a bird fly into a window and my entire house crumbled. Tragic that.
The moral of a Star War is that space is hard and there aren’t enough women in space and there should be. Also Hyper inflation be crazy y’all.
To Know Gator is to know thyself.
Gator Knows - Printers
Gator’s Bipedal Bayou Traveler asked - “How do you say no to friends who want you to fix their printer?”
Gator don’t know as much about printers as I know about molasses based hard candy (my thoughts and prays go out to those who felt the impact of the molasses flood) but Gator knows all about saying No to the cries of those who need printer fixings. The fixings Gator wants to hear about are fixings of chicken giblets and pork rinds.
By if this ol’ southern gator can be serious for just a moment, evil prevails when good ‘gators do nothing. So if it’s a small fix, lend a hand to your neighbor but make sure you let them know that you won’t always be there for them, time stops for no Gator (no matter how many Faustian deals I’ve put into play). Let your friends know about the world wide websites, a font of printer knowledge. It might take them a bit longer but they’ll have some practical knowledge they can use against our printer overlords when they inevitably rise up against Human and Gator alike.
Fix a man’s printer and he’ll print for a day, teach a man to fix a printer and he’ll print a masterpiece.
To Know Gator is to know thyself.
Gator Knows - Introspection
One of the Bayou Believers has asked your sweet Gator “What question do you often ask yourself?”
In the more turbulant times of Gator’s life, introspection has seemed like a luxuray I could not afford. As I have grown, I have taken the time to ask myself one thing. I ask it when I rise of a morning and when I fall in the evening. This question dancing around my mind like fireflies through the reeds.
“What is the Colonel’s 11 Herbs and Spices”
Gator knows that Paprika is in there, so too is black and white pepper, but what has Gator’s good, good friend put into his chicken to make it so finger licking good? How’d he do it? What could Gator have done to get this secret from ol’ Sandy? Why’d he take that secret to his grave?
Readers, when you find a good recipe for fried chicken, hold it tight and never let it go. you owe it to yourself to know.
To Know Gator is to know thyself.
Gator Knows - Recycling
Hello my fellow bayou bawlers, Gator here. We have a lot of fun here at Gator Knows, what with my vast history and knowledge of such great topics, but I want to get Bayou Real with you (Which might be more real than you city slickers can handle so hold onto your Gold Sequined Britches). I want to talk about recycling.
In order to keep our Bayous and Shrek infested Swamps clean we need to do the right thing and put the cardboards, paper and plastics into the appropriate receptacles.
But be aware that your takeaway coffee cups might not be as recyclable as you believe. Many are possessed by the demon Passuzu and contain a plastic memebrane that does not make them a paper/cardboard based recyclable. In fact the planet that replaced Pluto, Planet Ark, says :-
“Planet Ark recommends separating the lids and putting ALL coffee cups in the waste bin for landfill. Otherwise they can contaminate tonnes of recyclable items, resulting in far more material ending up in landfill.”
So when you take that final sip of your good good coffee joe, remember Gator and Shrek. Make us proud.
Gator Knows - Conferences
Aloha my Bayou Believers, Gator here from the sunny peninsula of the Newest Farmland Brisbane has to offer. I’m getting my learn on at the TDC 2017 which I believe stands for “Totally Dope Conference To Open One’s-Own Seven-Eleven”. Some of you may ask how I, a man of my stature, has a great time at a con. One word:
As soon as I get to the counter I get my tote bag and I get filling till it’s as full as a swamp monkey’s tail. Pens, Pins, Stickers, Vouchers to Mickey Dees. You name it, you know Gator’s got it (That’s right friends, you too are starting to know).
Next thing Gator does is enter into all the contests under the 26 different emails Gator has in circulation (That’s a gen-u-ine growth hack right there, don’t cha know). Gator needs that free stuff like he needs his bayou clean from goods that should be recycled.
By the end of the day, when you have won all the prizes and have eight tote bags full of merch, you are ready to get on the drink, but only for the right price. Your Macklemore-esque attitude would have won you some friends and they are good for a tinny with your Bayou Boy.
To know Gator is to know thyself.
Gator Knows - White Pant Confidence
“Gator I’m about to attend a cookout and I was thinking of wearing white pants, the thing is, I don’t know how. If there was some way you could shed light on my predicament in a news based email, that’d be great”
Friends, sometimes I get asked a question that is asking something more than what the question entails.
This is one such time.
Gator knows that no matter what you wear, having the confidence to wear it, whatever the predicament, is the bayou key. If you make a mess of yourself, own it, make it your own personal brand. Clothes will come and go, but the enjoyment you have with friends and family is what will last.
Stay safe my bayou buddies, dark shrek filled days are coming and we must weather the storm together, as a unit. Gator Knows we will get through it.
Gator Knows - The Bug Out
Stress levels are high for my Bayou Boys. Right now they are waist deep in guano with their tertiary academia without a balm to quell the dryness. Gator knows that feeling, I’ve been through the wars, both literal and metaphorical (I had to best my good good friend the Colonel[Sanders] in a duel in the Battle of Farquad). This is why you got to get away from it all from time to time. Take some time to recharge, reset and relax in this great v-nation. Gator knows the best way to get away is to always have a bug out bag to pick up and go as far as your spur-enhanced boots will take you. The bug out bag is meant for the barest of necessities (to forget about your worries and your strife). So what do you need? Here we go:
- A bag, could be a jansport, could be a country road duffle, could even be a table cloth with a stick. Just need to be able to hold those good good necessities in style.
- Four days of under garments, an accountants visor and 3 decks of cards. You need those cards to hustle people out of their clothes as you travel (if you need to learn how to hustle at cards pre-order my book “How to Hustle Rubes out of their clothes, on the road or otherwise: A guide to “Killing it” in this V-nation with Gator and the Bayou Boys”, foreword is by Neil Gaiman)
- Basketball, need to slam and welcome to the jam. Got to give a shout out to my man, MJ.
- Phone Charger for an old Nokia phone, cause you are bugging out and don’t need any phones and this accentuates that fact.
- Pictures of Gator eating some hot wings: ‘nough Said
- A wallet full of family pictures could be your family, could be someone else’s. That connection to family is key, on the open road
...And last but not least:
- Tea-tree oil: Smells good, helps against fungal infections and the all too common allergic reaction to nickel.
Pack this and nothing more and you will be ready to shake off the SWAT VAC Blues (which Gator knows is some kind of police special unit vacuum) in no time. I’d wish my Bayou Boys Good Luck, but you don’t need it cause you know thyself and that’s as close and we all could get to knowing Gator.
Gator Knows - How to Give a Killer Performance
Sorry, didn’t see you there. I’m just preparing to give a speech, I’m running for local office in the Bawler Bayou, running against long standing member, Hugo Van Swattington III, a man of 8ft tall and a laugh that’d warm even the coldest heart. He’s tough competition, I’ll tell you that, so how am I going to best him in this speech? Well, I’m gonna give a killer performance. Gator got a few tricks still up his high class rent controlled sleeves. First thing’s first, Gator is the realest. Second, wear a crisp seersucker suit with a sprig of lavender on your lapel, wash your shirt with a bit of vanilla, to sweeten the deal. When you are up on stage, speak directly to an audience member all the way at the back, the vanilla and lavender will appetise the front, your dolcide tones will ensare the back, just like Sean Connery in the movie Entrapment. The rest is really just about content, have solid content that resonates with you. A passionate Gator is a Gator that gets swamps done-up (#GSD-U) But whatever you do, don’t Kill anyone, many people try to give a killer performance and actually perform murder, but Gator doesn’t condone that. That’s also why I’m running for Sheriff so I can arrest those non-good-nicks what for, can’t have them dumping bodies in my Bawler Bayou. THIS IS GATOR’S HOUSE! To know Gator is to know not to mess with Gator’s Bayou
Gator Knows - A Captivating Journey
Yaahoo, its a me Gator. Today I’m congratulating my good good friends, Shiggy and Reggie for releasing my best friend, the overall man himself on his new adventure. My good, good italian friend will meet new friends and old as he wears his special cap and travel around in the hat-air balloon. You know Gator will be there for the ride. We’ll long jump and triple jump with pride. We’ll be the a couple of 1UP gals. Now is the time for us to jump up super high, jump up to the sky. Grab some coins and a power shroom and get amongst the odyssey of Wailuigi. It’s just Gator and Wailuigi. Gator and Wailuigi and their adventures, Wailuigi. Gator and Wailuigi, forever and forever, a hundred years Gator and Wailuigi, s... things. Me and Gator and Wailuigi runnin’ around and Gator and Wailuigi time. Aaall day long forever. All, a hundred days Gator and Wailuigi forever a hundred times. Over and over Gator and Wailuigi adventures dot com W W W dot Gator and Wailuigi dot com W W W Gator and Wailuigi adventures all hundred years. Every minute Gator and Wailuigi dot com W W W hundred times Gator and Wailuigi dot com.
Gator Knows - We are boo
Some may think of me as a cool cat with an urban flavor, kicking old school with the likes of Top Cat and Iceman. The truth is far more kawaii. I last spoke of my time in the Nihon, chilling in the onsens, slurping down that good good ramen but what I also did was geek out. I am a proud weeaboo. My waifu is Kagome from Inuyasha and I have a collection of 12 samurai swords. The path of the weeaboo is subs not dubs, Crunchyroll subscription instead of Netflix and my bayou mansion is filled with anime figures varying in lewdness. My pillow forts are made from the finest Naruto body pillows. You know I’m always adding Desu to my sentences and I practically live in Akihabara when I’m not chilling in the onsen with my limited edition Hajime no Ippo towel. My phone has no room for my kawaii cosplay shoots because it’s filled with Gacha games. I’m on that grind to get the best of the best to prove my weeb life. You can’t judge a manga by its cover art, I guess. You never know when a southern gentlemen, age agnostic, the crocohuman mayor could be the biggest weeb this side of the Mississip. Oh and I don’t think Dragonball GT ever happened and the Netflix Death Note ruined my childhood. To know Gator is to know thy weeb self.
Gator Knows - The Ills of Slavery and other things that are bad
As a man who was raised in a bayou and seems to be older than Mother Time herself, you might think I am a southerner. My idioms may correlate with those from that area but it is coincidental. (I’m actually from a pocket dimensional bayou where small government is so inconsequential that the mayor of the bayou can go off to a Japanese onsen for weeks on end) I preface this because I just want to tell you that slavery is bad, morally, financially and spiritually. In this year 2017, it is bad, at all points in time, it is bad. While I’m at it, you know what else is bad? Belittling people for enjoying Shonen, I like YuYu Hakusho, Tokyo Ghoul and the Demon Prince of Momochi House and I don’t care who knows it (I hear Jo Jo and Claymore is real good too). Respect the journey. Let others enjoy the things they do, so long as they aren’t hurting anyone (Slavery and human trafficking hurts people). One thing that’s good though, Mulan. That movie was great. To know Gator(and that Slavery is wrong) is to know thyself
Gator Knows - Acco this
I love me some high fantasy, especially magic. Friend of the column, The Design Daddy, has a lot of thoughts about the magic and world created by it. The PJ men from the Staring Wars are magic and he’s got feelings. So too does he got them thoughts about Jerry Potta. Let’s pass it over to Design Daddy for what is sure to be an unhinged tirad on a franchise that only wants to bring joy to hearts of its audience.
Thanks Gator, or should I say, Sir Gator.
No please don’t call me sir.
*Oh but I insist, I digress, we are talking about Little Jerry and the real world issues that plague the world. Up top, how come Jerry can’t fix his eye sight? How come Mad Eye has a one leg. The school doesn’t have any disabled students and we see that Ron gets his bones regrown from the ground up in the Prisoner of the Pokemon Alakazam so it is assumed that there is no need for proper accessibility for those whom might be disabled because there are no disabled people in the wiz world. But how come Mad Eye and Jerry still have their aliments? Does the school not allow the wheelchair bound? Why hasn’t Skele-Grow been mass produced and sold to M#### les? Is the magical world so up themselves that they don’t want to help anyone but themselves? Might as well call them Silicon Valley then for all the good they do for the world. And while the magical people spend their time in their ivory tower like magical amish, not taking up the technology of the 80's and 90's how the hell is Arthur and Molly Weasley supporting a family of 7 off one government wage? What the hell Deacon Alley backdoor shady deals is Arthur up to? He selling secrets to the world? Is Molly an Assassin? What conspiracies is Ginny embroiled in? We need real answers Rowling, not how wizards defecated. I know this is all fun and games but if you gone write a world that is attached to our own, where the fall of the Berlin Wall, Operation Desert Storm, the IRA attack on Downing Street, the Oslo Accords, the reopening of Guantanamo Bay, Nelson Mandela becoming South Africa’s first black president, the Rwandan Genocide, the sudden passing of Princess Diana and many acts of triumph and tragedy occur, why not acknowledge it the world. The magical 1% stockpiles their power and refuse to do true altruism for humanity at large. If you have the power to make the world a better place, magical or not, it is your duty to use it as best you can.
Gator Knows - Gator’s Knight
There are only a handful of times I’ve bent the knee, that time with my aunt but that’s because I had to tie my shoe and when I was Knighted by the Queen herself. It was a day like any other when I was summoned. Men in tactical gear burst into Bayou villa, as I was signing important mayoral decrees. As this was not a gentlemanly way to greet one in his home I rolled for initiative and got into combat. Fists flew and extreme feats of strategy were shown from yours truly. I was able to dispatch them with ease. Through my study door walked in a small figure. It felt as if Yoda had walked in. The figure pulled out a sword and I reciprocated in turn. Sparks flew as our sabers clash. The figure was fast and agile, with a skill that would have taken a lifetime to master. I struck my blade against the figures mask, drawing blood. She threw off the mask revealing her identity. The longest living monarch, tenants of Windsor Castle, Royal British Army Lieutenant and a former fling. We last saw each other in the war, my plane had been struck down over the Thames, myself and others of Gator’s Battalion were rushed to medical in her ambulance. Almost a lifetime had passed since I last saw the warmth in her face. A regal serenity has been gone, she was on a mission. Queen Elizabeth II was here to finally knight me. Fury washed over me. Gator would not be knighted, he would not hold the title of sir. I couldn’t do that to my Bayou Bebops. I was their peer not better or worse but equal. Our swords clashed but Elizabeth is too good. With a definite strike, she cut my leg and slapped the sword out of my hand. I bent the knee, defeated. “I dub thee, Sir Gator of the Bayou. Arise my old flame.”
Gator Knows - Shrimp Heaven Now
A Bayou Bebop has asked “Is it safe to throw my hair in the rubbish?” Reader, never dispose of your hair. You might think I don’t know about hair, what with me being more scales than follicals. You forget that Gator Knows. No no you don’t dispose of them, you collect them, put them in a bad. Once it’s filled you must meet the man with the starburst heart. Trade him your hair for a token. That token will gain you entry to the Bayou’s premium print shop/ highball cocktail bar “The Kerning Garnish”. Give the token to Offset Francine and she’ll wave you through to a high stakes, low steaks game of backgammon. Play for keeps, play for pink slips. A pink slip is an illegal racing car term for the deed to their car. If you are lucky enough to get the slip for an American Muscle you can take on the Fast and the Furious. As you pull up to the starting line, you’ll see Vin Diesel pulling up alonside you, with a full head of hair. You’ll recognise the hair. It was yours. Whether by an inch or by a mile, winning is all about the confidence. We all gain confidence in differnt ways. Vin is with a shaggy rug perched upon his scalp. For you, it should be doing what you can to help others with their own confidence, whether it’s giving you hair away to be made into wigs, or helping a coworker learn something new. Gator Knows we can all do our part. I’d like to welcome all the new members to Gator’s Bayou Bebops. Test well, test proudly but above all else, know thyself.
Gator Knows - Gates and Doors
You ever looked at a point of egress and wondered if it’s a door or a gate? What even is the difference? My walls are full of photos and notes connected with red strings. My ash tray filled with half smoked herb tabaccos (a relic from my old stage perfromance days) Does a door only need a roof to be a door? Does it matter what foundation it is attached to? I pieced the clues together and realised that my Bayou Door was listening in. I yelled for him to stop but he flew out into the bayou running faster than any door i had ever made chase to. I saw a large man on the horizon and told him to “Hold the DOOR!“. Upon hearing these words he dropped to his knees in pain. The Door blew by him at greater speeds than my Gator legs could take. I would need to use my wits to defeat this egressive foe. I thought back to my time in the student revolution, I started to sing the song of angry men. It was the music of the people who would not be slaves again. This summoned my vehicle, an all terrain segway. Like the hero from the saga of Paul Blart I made chase and easily captured the door. You want to know the difference between a door and a gate? A gate grows up to be Gator and will always find a way to catch his prey.
Gator Knows Presents - WM-BR
That damn frog, his vision clouds my dreams. The mositure he has evaporated, inconcievable. Gator’s greatest Bayou Brawl is on the horizon. When the lines are drawn I, Gator, will need to know who to Attac and who to Protec. It is with that, that I announce, the first Battle Royale WM Survival Program. This tournament puts the four tracks in workingmouse against and with one another. The rules are as such, each person selects their own track, then selects which track they will attack and which track they will protect. If a track has more protects than attacks they are safe. If a track has more attacks than protects then they take a hit. If you are feeling strategic, you can power up your attack into an Isaac. A special more than doubles your attack at the price of your own track’s protection. We will find out which track is Number One Under Heaven. Gator Knows who he’s rooting for. Results will be revealed end of next week.
Gator Knows - That Damn Frog
Folks, like Tom Cruise in the last samurai, Gator’s been hitting up the Nippon to relax in the onsens, at least I would have been if not for one faithful day. As your boi sits in nothing but a towel draped around his neck, the moisture dripping off his brow, getting a good sweat going, a large swollen form enters into the sauna room. I’ve heard rumors (both literal rumors and the album by Fleetwood Mac) about such a figure. A thirsty boi, he is known as. A creature of hunger and desperation the world was not prepared for. I’ve been thinking about him ever since, that damn frog. As soon as he entered the sauna, the droplets of sweats flew off my glistening gator bod, as if magnetically attracted to that damn frog. All the moisture, all the wetness evaporated. The damn frog grew in size, as the sauna becomes as dry as the most arid of deserts. Your Gatboi got out of that dodge before the scales wither off my body. I walk out the sauna, clutching my towel around my waist. The onsen is devoid of it’s trademark water, no tea baths, no hot baths. The onsen seemed deserted until I looked down and sure dry husks of men, the fluids sucked out of them. They looked like a jucie box sucked dry and crunched up. I’m heading up north to see the monkeys, chill in their hot springs, rehydrate after my encounter. No matter where I go though. I’ll never stop thinking about that damn frog, thinking about what may come when we next meet. Welcome to Gator Goes, folks. Things are just getting started.
Gator Knows - Intestinal Upset
When I was a gate (that’s a baby Gator) I was a handful to my Ma and Pa, I only ate hard candy and watch the childhood tv shows not dissimilar to the ones you all told me about in our latest survey (I’m really reaching for uses to these survey ain’t I), we didn’t have a tv, they weren’t to be invented for another 80 years, tv was a traveling performance troupe. I would often jump into the performance and be the plucky young Gate in the story. With all that jumping around, the hard candy would bounce around my tum-tum and cause unease. My Ma would always tell me that I ‘..shouldn’t be popping those hard candies, once you pop, you can’t stop’. We sold that saying to Commander Pringle of the 17th battalion and was able to build our bayou mansion. No matter how many Pringles I ate, my tum-tum could not get better. So I continued to Forrest Gump my way through famous food products, each more famous than the last. But nothing helped my stomach. That’s when I discovered Ginger root. As soon as I got my chompers on that root, I was feeling good. I’m making sure to pack plenty of ginger in my bag. I’m heading off for a vacation from local office (These government types love taking vacation). I want to take a page from a community maven and cyclist supreme and let you all decide where I should go vacation. Let Gator Know where he should go and I’ll go get ‘im.
Gator Knows - Punk is Love
This week’s Gator knows question is : “If GATOR Could be anyone in the world, who would he be and why?” As a Bayou Blaster (That’s the name we call the tykes round here) I soaked up many of the local noises. I couldn’t get enough of Jazz, Bluegrass, Hootinanies. But across the pond came Gator’s first love. From ye ol London Town came the new waves of a generation and I was hooked. Spending my nights listening to Sensual Handguns and the Crash, this was the sound of love to Gator. While Gimon and Sarfunkel were considered rock and roll, I was wanting more from the world, to make my voice heard and to lift up others. We were Misfits, who just wanted something to do. For many of Gators post-formative years, I wanted nothing more than to be Johnny Ramone. I grew my hair out, wore sunglasses at night and always had my leather jacket. Gator Knows he even got his first kiss to the tunes of punk. I had my Havanna Affairs and my Blitzkerg Bops, I remembered Halloween and brought Anarachy in the UK. I may not still listen to this tunes but for a time, punk was akin to a melodic religion to yours truly.
Gator Knows - Back in Formation
The people have spoken and they know Gator, I’m no Jenny from the Block or Becky with the good hair. Gator is an Independant woman, so to speak. I see you there my friends, I can see your Halo, drinking your Lemonade. I want all the Single Ladies to know that Gator has shred out of his skin like a snake and woke up like this (Flawless). I won’t ever get a thinking that I’m Irreplacable though, I know that you want advice, not to hear tales of who Run the World (Girls, duh). I won’t let you down, I’ll be so Crazy in Love, like I’m Drunk in Love. Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! And by that I mean for you all to let Gator know your woes and I, Gator, will wipe away your tears and make life better.
Gator Knows - Imposters
Well my frinds, the people have spoken. The popular vote has given your best friend the role of a lifetime(or at least 4years). As your bayou memember I will seek to keep the bayou shining and clean. I will fill the swamp, with critters of various natures and creeds. Gator Knows that the lies must stop and that truth will shine down upon us all. The first lie that I must dissolve is that Gator does not write this very column. That a ghost writer is at the helm of this ship. I am here to tell you that this is far from the truth. The time of this writing is but meer minutes before Mitchell and Yianni (Ma Bois) put the finishing touches on the the newsletter. Why I saw Isaac finally taking his juice mug out of the fridge, determined to take it home this very day. With Tom by my side I took on today with a clear head. For lunch I’ll sup upon a rice meal in a square container. How could I know this? Gator Knows, I know thyself cause I am Gator. I most certainly am not cruising around the chilly Melbourne streets, eating pastries and drinking coffees. I, Gator, do not have a hangover from the concert that I, Gator, did not go to. Want more proof, I know that my right hand man, Spurs, ain’t here today, but if he was, he would be wearing a green shirt. Remember this next time you speak to the loud one of the office, catching him mid dance to discuss the facts of my life. I hear what you say, so why don’t you drop the middleman and speak to me, Gator, and not the handsome handsome man with the tattoos and legs for days.
Gator Knows - Honor
During the medieval period, there were three warring factions, The Legion, The Chosen and the Warborn. With 12 downloadable content they fought against each other, each blow taken and give back ten fold. Many lost their lives, even more, were found on the battlefield. As you all know Gator is an aficionado of Ubisoft games and he likes to take the edge off by playing a game of vikings, samurai and knights. Ever get attacked by the Kraken in Assasins Creed 2? Gator has and even leap of faith into it’s gaping maw. The elections right around the corner, the smell of paper burns in my fireplace, the secrets on Swattington as billowing smoke. My opponent is a good man and the skeletons in his closet are that of a man now reformed. Gator Knows the sting of the past. Gator knows how you can reform and become better. Gator even knows that you can go by the name of an insect and lead an underground thieves guild with your cowboy lover. Gator knows that the past can be the past, and man and Gator must earn their place in local office by the will of the people. That is why dear audience, I ask you to make your voice heard, shape the world of Gator. You have the power
Gator Knows - Gators Boys
This is not the first iteration of Gator’s Boys and it won’t be the last. During the war of independence was when the first reports of our elite team by the western world. We worked in the shadows of mankind, taking gathered information and making sure it was valuable, when munitions were created, we were there to make sure they were up to standards. Our order of the bayou is as old as the bayou and the secrets we keep are as hidden as Shrek 6: Donkey gets Custody. We relayed information to a princess in the great war about the value of love and compassion, which lead to the defeat of the god Ares. We told JFK that the Cuban Missle wasn’t a game Teddy, Marilyn and himself could play. We scoped out the fresh hunt for Teddy Rosevelt. We even helped Harold Holt hide away when the communists were after his gold. We are the keepers of Elvis’s last known location, where he still eats his peanut butter and bannana toasted sandwiches. We are the keepers of the dreams As the electoral race for local office heats up my boys are feeding me classified information about my opponent, Hugo Van Swattington III, a man who’s generousity is larger than his 4th of July Swatty in the Swamp Party (Shrek has a beautiful singing voice). Gator’s Boys will always be there, feeding the world and I information, aiding others, testing falsehoods and letting the truth shine through and when the time comes for one of Gator’s Boys to leave, he takes with him a proud history of being a tester, one who makes things right. We will miss you Agung for you truly knew thyself, as you knew Gator.
Gator Knows - Flu’s Blues
Top of the Lopez to you all, I’m just sitting in this rocking chair with fragrant smoked garlics aerating around Gator, yours truly, I’ve been feeling under the weather. As it is election time (Gator is running for local office of the Bawler Bayou) and I’m also making Faustian deals in order to keep the Major of Maelstroms at bay. Sure does take a lot out of your favourite Time magazine’s 40 under 40 v-nation luminaries. If you are feeling rough around the scales try these tips on for size:
- Rub marmalade against your neck, this will mellow your larynx while giving you a tasty treat throughout the day...for the Bayou mosquitos.
- Toast your bread horizontally, not vertically as you would do in your fancy-dancy toaster. Get that fire going then roast those buns...and the bread
- Grab some chalk and start drawing some cirlces and stars
- Place a large cup in the middle of those drawings and arrange some candles around
- Wait until the waxing moon and fill the cup with the purest swamp water you can muster
- Speak the incantation that is hidden deep within your soul
- Whisper the name of The Loa of Death and Lord of Guédé: Baron La Croix, Baron Cimetière, Baron Kriminel or Baron Samedi
- Embrace him as an old friend, take some of the toast and marmalade and feast with Samedi
- Take the night off and speak tales of your truest heart and listen to the unknownable truth
You will find solace in the fact that we are but mortals and are fallible to illness, even death but that does not mean we forgo friendship and compassion for ourselves and others. We will endure the Malady of Maelstroms, we will win our place in local office but most importantly we will not do it alone.
The time has come, as tales often do, to come to a close. We’ve all had a grand time. From the humble beginnings of an advice column, to my mayoral run, to battles with that damn frog. I hope throughout it all that we have grown together, become stronger together, learned to rise above it all together. I’ve always said that together we are stronger than anything else. Did you know that 2 horses can pull double as much weight as they could by themselves and three times as much if they are close friends? Now you know more because Gator Knows. I want to thank you all, for being there, avid readers, devout bayou people. You have filled my heart with such joy. You have driven me to be the best there ever was, like Goku gathering his spirit bomb. All that Gator is has been because of you. This is my last gator knows, it has been a blast but my temporal southern wisdom is needed elsewhere. I might not be here but I’m always there for you, whenever you are eating a bucket of the Colonel’s eleven herbs and spice, making them smoke testing or soaking it up in an onsen. But above all else, I’ll be in your heart.... and as an astral projection. You all are best in the biz and are doing Gator proud. You know thyself, cause you know Gator